Handle With Care

Fragile. What is fragile? It is the word written on packages tossed around by the post office. It is what we use to describe things that would break if you dropped them, glass, plates. What else is fragile? My friend’s body in the late stages of dementia, my grandparents who will be married 70 years this summer, babies, snails, wildflowers, my flute. Fragile is what the 7000-piece millennium falcon LEGO kit is.

Even the word itself looks breakable. Fragile, g hides in the middle of the more popular letters, trying to blend in with vowels “a” and “i” while l does its best to go unnoticed. You can’t miss the drama at the front of the word as r runs away from a desperate f and into a’s waiting arms.

Maybe I’m just projecting, for all I know they have a great relationship.

Disregarding the physical bond the letters have, so far I have only mentioned tangible fragility, it can also be a word used to describe more abstract things, such as one’s heart, emotions, relationships, or mental strength.

It is undeniable human hearts are fragile; love and heartbreak create some of the warmest memories but also earth-shattering types of pain. Hearts are so fragile we tend to protect them, each of us in our own way. Some choose to build walls, others to leave it behind, loose it at the earliest opportunity. Some already have broken hearts and spend their free time gluing, taping, wrapping, just somehow holding the pieces together.

People can be fragile as well, not just the heart. These are the ones easily frightened, overstimulated, shy, or just sensitive to daily life in general.

When something is fragile it is natural for us to be more careful with it, to protect, to handle with care.

But I have discovered this word takes on a different tone depending on what it is being used on. For example, nobody looks down on a person being careful with their new phone or when cradling a child in their arms, but if you were to describe someone as fragile, chances are it is not in a kind manner. Being described as fragile is usually meant as an insult, that a particular person is too sensitive, annoying, in need of attention. While fragile is a word you might use to describe someone else, you would rarely, if ever use on yourself. For some reason, we as people don’t want to be seen as fragile, don’t want others to think we are breakable. But why? Why is it so bad to be sensitive? To care. Suddenly this trait makes you less prepared for the “real world.”

But nobody blames glass for being fragile, babies for needing a tender hand, a flower for bending when stepped on.

It just so happens glass is fragile.

We are so set on “fixing” fragile people when it is not a trait in need of fixing. A fragile person is not already broken and shouldn’t be treated as such. It is a trait that may need to be managed, but not fixed.

I have only recently discovered my fragility. I have no doubt this trait has been around my entire life but am only now coming to terms with it. I have identified it in my own mind, in whispers of voices behind me, in letters and pictures on a screen. I attempt to block out other people’s opinions, sounds, eyes on me. But as we treat fragile objects with care, I should do the same for myself.

Glass is fragile but sturdy, this we have in common. You must remember that fragile is only one characteristic of glass, a cup has more function than to just sit there and be fragile. Glass is used in the most magnificent of skyscrapers, we all have it in our homes as numerous items, if made correctly it can even be bullet proof. If we only focused on how fragile glass is, we wouldn’t trust it for all these important duties.

I have been considering my self-destructive thought patterns recently, trying to figure out when they began. Typically, unless there is a specific traumatic event associated with the pattern, we don’t generally know exactly when we began thinking as we currently do. I have not been kind to myself over the years and sadly I don’t think I am alone in this habit.

I saw an interesting exercise online the other day, it was a video of a girl who challenged herself to do 30 days of self-love by looking in the mirror, into her own eyes and saying words out loud that were positive and encouraging. Such as “I am so beautiful”, “I love the way I smile.”, or “I am a person I admire.” I watched her record herself doing this and at first it was super awkward, even I felt uncomfortable watching her, but as the days went on it seemed like the words came easier, she had more good things to say about herself. The compliments practically flowed out and she seemed to radiate sunshine.

I tried this activity

I have not made it 30 days yet.

In fact, I have not even made it through a week,

Yet.

Try it! It really is harder than it seems, look in the mirror and say 5 positive things (at least) about yourself. I want to know how long it takes you to reach day 30.

The first couple days usually go well, but by day 4 or 5 I find my thoughts already slipping back into their comfort zone of self-sabotage.

When I am so used to using this thought pattern as a form of encouragement it’s no wonder this exercise is so hard for me. Some of my negative thinking patterns sound like “If you eat that, you’re going to look like shit in a year”, or “someone who really loves the flute would be practicing right now”, “A good partner would have taken the smaller piece”. It is a form of protection, one of my coping mechanisms of choice. After all, if I tear myself down enough, I can’t be hurt when other people do it.

Obviously, this isn’t true, and so far, it hasn’t worked, so why is it such a hard habit to break?

Just like smoking and chewing your fingernails are extremely difficult habits to break, the self- sabotage loop is another tricky one. It takes a lot of internal processing, having to reflect upon your own memories and pre-existing beliefs and challenge them. Easier said than done and very mentally/emotionally draining.

In my case of feeling like I need to practice the flute obsessively or it means I don’t love it as much as others, I believe it’s due to society telling us that you must be good at your hobby. THIS IS NOT TRUE!! You can be absolute shit at your hobby and still enjoy it, or you can be mediocre and still call it your hobby and identify with it. You do not need to do said hobby every day, and I do not need to be a classically trained flute player to call myself a flautist.

My mom recently told me she didn’t call herself a runner until she was 50. At this I was visibly shocked. She has been running since someone had to come and baby sit me when I was little, so at least 26 years, and probably started long before that. I know my mom and dad were on a run together during the big earthquake in Stanford in 1989, I have always imagined how strange that must have felt. A couple years ago she even won a 10K in her age division in a race I forced her to do with me. When we run together it is her slowing down for me. Self-sabotage, she told herself she didn’t do enough to call herself “runner.”

To my mom, as I know you are reading this, you are a runner, and a biker. No matter what speed you go, how many miles, or how far behind dad you are. He will (usually) wait. You can wear these labels with pride.

I am proud of the fact that I can recognize this behavior in myself now, it’s still a conscious effort to try and change, as I said before, habits are hard to break. I have been treating my anxiety as a problem to be resolved rather than a symptom that needs to be managed. It’s not easy to retrain our brains, we all know how long it takes to learn a new skill.

So while I may be fragile, it is only one trait you can use to describe me. I am also brave, unique, tough, interesting, take your pick, but if you’re one to focus on the fragile in yourself or others I encourage you to try and look at it from a different angle, you are probably only focusing on one aspect of a larger picture.

Yours,

Maxie